Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Quigley Cuts Down - Update.

If you read my previous post, you will realise the significance of a smoking ban being introduced in all new films to be made with American monies. Even though this is unlikely to become law until 2008, it is being included in films being made now, just to be on the safe side.

It is still being debated whether or not there should be a retrospective ban and how this could be realistically acheived. CGI is the obvious answer. Otherwise it is unlikely that you will ever be able to legally view a Humphrey Bogart film on American soil again.

Again, making reference to my previous post, you will see that I have made those changes necessary in my screenplay, to meet all proposed legislation, by substituting 'cigarettes' with 'chewing gum.'
This was deemed the most desirable 'swap' as chewing gum has similar street cred to smoking cigarettes, without the obvious health hazards.
However, there is a serious problem associated with this chosen selection.

I have it from a reliable source that the use of chewing gum in films is being considered for a ban in films being made in the UK. This is directly linked to the USA smoking ban in films.

Extrapolating, as governments do, has produced a report that states that the banning of smoking in films in the United States will probably lead to a similar ban in the UK within 2 years, which will inadvertently lead to an increase in the use of chewing gum by our favourite film stars, on screen, as a substitute ‘cool’ habit for our youngsters to emulate.

The government's reasoning behind this chewing gum ban is that already our streets are covered in the tell-tale black stains of discarded chewing gum and that it already costs millions in tax payers' money, every year, cleaning it up.

This increase in the use of chewing gum on film has been predicted to lead to a rise in its use by the younger, more gullible generation, in emulation of their film heroes. This would lead to a directly proportional rise in the 'chewing gum' menace, whereby our streets become even more dominated by the tell-tale 'black stain.'

The crucial section of the government report relates to those film scenes where a cigarette was used in the past as a concluding element of a scene, whereas future films would propose that the hero spit out his chewing gum as a substitute for that 'cigarette moment' (as the government are calling it) This has been predicted by the official report to lead to our streets being 'a serious health hazard as well as a stain on our great country.'

It seems that the problem of clearing up the 'chewing gum menace' is the least of our worries.
I have it from a reliable source that the health issues are the major concern. It seems that the chewing gum acts as the perfect preserver in as much as the germs, bacteria and diseases from our saliva can remain preserved for up to 30 years in every piece of discarded chewing gum on our streets. This could lead to a modern day 'plague' which could kill millions in a few short months.

Looks like I may need to do another re-write very soon. I'll keep you updated.

Quigley Cuts Down

So it looks like “smoking” is to be banned from films in the very near future - at least in American made and/or financed productions – after all it 'glamourises' what is a foul and dangerous habit, much mimicked by those who would associate it with a 'celebrity' lifestyle.
No longer will the hero be able to “light up” after some crucial scene, to share a cigarette after lovemaking, or take his last inhalation of tobacco smoke before expiring of gun shot wounds.

As a scriptwriter and film director, I find myself having to re-write some crucial scenes in my current project because of this possible and most probable change. Here is an example of that re-writing process – a 'before' and 'after' to show you what I mean.

'QUIGLEY CUTS DOWN' is due for release in summer 2007:-

BEFORE:

……….Quigley steps out of the ink stained shadows, the yellow glow of the street light illuminating his creased gabardine as if he’d just stepped out of a bowl of custard.
The dipped brim of his fedora casts a butterscotch shadow over his face, cutting his head in two.

He stands rigid under the sickly yellow light, as the sound of footsteps approach. He steps back into the shadows.
Quigley slips a hand into an inside breast pocket, removes his trusty semi-auto and lets the hand fall by his side, cold metal clenched in his fist.

The footsteps reach a crescendo and then suddenly stop.
Quigley steps back into the custard, raises the gun to waist level and walks purposely forward, pulling on the gun's trigger until the slide locks in the open position. The flashes of light from the gun’s muzzle briefly illuminates his granite features.

Quigley stops and looks down. A faint moaning sound can be heard off camera.
He removes a cigarette from a pocket in one clean movement. He then lights up by striking a match across his 5 o’clock shadow. He inhales deeply and blows a few pretty smoke rings.
The moaning continues as Quigley removes the empty magazine from his 'best friend' and presses home a full magazine extracted from another pocket.

The cigarette hangs loosley from his lips; a wisp of smoke rising vertically in the still night air, sweeping horizontally under the brim of his fedora to dissipate in the evening air.

He spits out a few words from the corner of his mouth.

QUIGLEY
That was for Dobie, now this is for me……..

He fires off the full magazine into his victim’s body then pockets the gun in his breast pocket before turning and walking off into the night.
He extracts the cigarette from his mouth and inadvertently takes a small piece of top lip with it.

QUIGLEY
S**t!! F**k!!!

He walks on, but suddenly stops and lets out a scream. The hot barrel from a well used trusty friend has burnt his left nipple.



AND NOW AFTER – ALL REFERENCES TO SMOKING HAVE BEEN REMOVED: This is the official version, approved by the production company.

……….Quigley steps out of the ink stained shadows, the yellow glow of the street light illuminating his creased gabardine as if he’d just stepped out of a bowl of custard. The dipped brim of his fedora casts a butterscotch shadow over his face, cutting his head in two.

He stands rigid under the sickly yellow light, as the sound of footsteps approach. He steps back into the shadows.
Quigley slips a hand into an inside breast pocket, removes his trusty semi-auto and lets the hand fall by his side, cold metal clenched in his fist.

The footsteps reach a crescendo and then suddenly stop. Quigley steps back into the custard, raises the gun to waist level and walks purposely forward, pulling on the gun's trigger until the slide locks in the open position. The flashes of light from the gun’s muzzle briefly illuminates his granite features.

Quigley stops and looks down. A faint moaning sound can be heard off camera.
Quigley removes a piece of nicotine chewing gum from a pocket, into his mouth in one clean movement, chewing vigorously for that quick fix of nicotine.

The moaning sounds continue off camera, as Quigley removes the empty magazine from his “best friend” and presses home a full magazine extracted from another pocket.

That annoying, wet slap slappity slapping sound of chewing gum, forms an accompaniment to the 'off camera' moaning sounds.

Quigley spits out a few words from the corner of his mouth - the words all mixed up with chewing gum.

QUIGLEY
That was (slap) for Dobie, (slappity slap) now this is (slappity slap slap) for me……..

He fires off the full magazine into his victim’s body then pockets the gun in his breast pocket before turning and walking off into the night.

He suddenly stops, stoops over and retches. A small piece of gum exits his mouth and plops onto the sidewalk.

Quigley wipes his mouth, walks on, then suddenly stops and lets out a scream. The hot barrel from a well used trusty friend has burnt his left nipple.)

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Sex.

I’m no good at this sex game.
I always end up coming second.

Our American cousins

You may have caught the recent news item from Virginia(VA) in the good old US of A. It concerns the proposed ban on underwear being visible above the waistline of your pants (trousers), or to state it officially –

“exposes his below-waist undergarments in an offensive manner".

The proposal is to levy a $50 fine on anyone caught exposing said undergarments in an offensive manner. The “bill” has been adopted by a voted margin of 60 to 34, though has yet to clear the state senate to become law.
Mr. Algie T Howell, from Virginia, launched the crusade to ban undergarments being visible, stating that “they're supposed to be worn under something else."
He also stated that “to vote for this bill would be to do something good not only for Virginia, but for this entire country."

Virginia? Isn’t that the state where you don’t need to have a permit to own a firearm? In fact, the law states that you can legally carry your firearm in a public place as long as it is exposed and visible for all to see.

So basically, as a resident of Virginia, if you are seen with a gun sticking out of your belt, well, hell that’s ok! But if that belt be worn in a low slung manner, thereby exposing your undergarments, then you’ll be stopped by the police and fined $50 for exposing said undergarments in a public place.

The good old US of A - they'll be banning online gambling next!!

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Another true story......

I was in a bar in Scotland recently when two men got into an argument. One of them suddenly put his hand in his pocket, pulled out a cigarette and threatened to light it. The police were there in minutes and prevented a major incident.

A True Story?

The devil himself told me this story. He swears it's true. Though I take everything he tells me with 'a pinch of salt.'
It really creases him up. Not a pretty site by the way. Anyway, here it is, word for word as he told it to me.........

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mails, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: 8 Jan 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Looking good for your age old chap.

An acquaintance asked recently, how I managed to look so good for my age.
I said 'That depends on what age you think I am.'
He said. 'I know how old you are. It states it in your profile. You're 104.'
I said. 'Don't be silly. How could I possibly be 104?'
'That's exactly what I thought.' He said.
'That photograph was taken 104 years ago.' I said. 'And I was 24 then!'
There was a pause before he asked. 'What moisturiser do you use?'

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006

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